Just the other day, disaster struck our house. One of my boys’ beloved gold fish passed away.
Now, you think as a vet I would be prepared for talking about this to my kids, but I found myself a bit lost when it came to telling the boys.
My youngest boy, Alfie, is just one and doesn’t seem to know what has happened (he still has three fish so is still happy to feed them every day) but my three year old, Jake, was quite upset.
So, what did I learn from the experience?
- Be honest. Don’t lie to your kids about the pets being rehomed or escaping. Death is a part of life, and at some point kids need to learn about it and how to deal with it.
- Avoid terms like “put to sleep”. Young kids don’t understand what we mean by this, and you could end up with a kid who won’t go to bed.
- Answer their questions honestly. Their developing brains are trying to figure things out, so help them with straight, honest answers. Also listen for the questions behind what they say. For example, Jake was saying things like “I’m glad Patchy has gone”, even though he was clearly upset that Patchy wasn’t there any more. I think it was his way of trying to figure out if Patchy going to a nice place in the garden was something he should somehow be happy about. Kids quite often don’t know how to ask a direct question, so it’s important to try to understand what they are trying to learn.
- Involve them in the process. If your pet needs euthanasia, try to discuss the reason for it before it occurs. They may fight the decision, but there are some very important life lessons which go with such a decision. Empathy, responsibility and death are all things that kids need to learn about as their minds develop.
- Give them a chance to say goodbye. Burying Patchy under one of our plants gave Jake a chance to say his goodbyes and move on, as well as a chance to “visit” Patchy whenever he wants.
- Find a way to explain what is left when a pet dies. A while ago, I heard a great explanation of what a pet’s body is once it has died. It is like the wrapper of a chocolate bar. When the pet dies, the best part, the part inside, has gone. But you can still remember the pleasure it gave you.
It is always going to be hard for a kid to understand, but they’re often tougher than we give them credit for.
Further information can be found on this fact sheet from the Trauma and Grief Network.